Today, I signed a lease on a new place for me and the kiddo. I arrived and left with a bittersweet feeling somewhere between excited and sad. I was happy that I'll finally have my own space again but the sadness took over when I realized I'm going to be alone. It wasn't easy for me to find someone BEFORE I got pregnant but it's certainly not going to be a walk in the park finding someone who will love me AND my child. I fear a life of loneliness. I know I will have my little one and I can't wait to share my life with him/her but it's not going to be the same kind of love. I'm talking about the kind of love that I've been looking for my entire life and have completely failed to find. I have to wonder if it's even possible. I guess we'll see. Until then, I look forward to decorating our new digs and putting together the nursery. I DON'T look forward to paying half of my salary in rent and utilities and the other half on daycare and food. I am absolutely terrified as to how I am going to afford this new life that I'm about to have. Being as the father of this child is a terrible, selfish individual I will be doing this alone and I can't afford to be irresponsible anymore. This is real life. I've been waiting for almost 27 years for "real life" to show up and boy did it ever..... with a vengeance.
June has been fast and furious with my emotions but July promises to be a kinder, gentler month with many great things in store. I move into the new place on the 1st, then there's the 4th of July which we will celebrate with a BBQ and friends, doc appt on the 5th for my 2nd tri screening, California with one of my closest friends on the 6th (a much needed stay on the beach!), and on July 25 I get to find out what kind of little monster I'm having!
I'll keep you all posted!
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