6 1/2 months (27 weeks) of pregnancy. I. feel. like. a. cow.
So far this month I've had to switch my OB and hospital, gotten another infection, and dealt with a gas leak in my home. Though I have still had it pretty easy, I stress out over stressing out. I'm kind of in that stagnant mode where I just want my little man to be here but at the same time I am scared to death of the Mother I'm going to be.
Last weekend, one of my best friends married the love of her life. They chose a Vegas wedding and while I'm extremely happy for them, being in Vegas was a real eye opener for the life I have ahead of me. The casinos reeked of smoke and stale booze and the sound of the machines was maddening. That combined with the overwhelming population of wanna-be Jersey Shore cast members and foreign tourists was enough to make it almost intolerable for this big fat prego. The pay-off however, was standing at the alter watching two people who love each other unconditionally give their lives to one another with an innocence and sincerity that real life so often lacks. That and watching Kimmy walk down that aisle looking like a modern day princess brought tears to my eyes. It's refreshing to know that a love like that exists and so close to home.
When I wasn't trying to swim through a sea of gambling, fumbling chodes I had a lot of time to reflect on the changes that have already shaped the last six, very sober, months of my life. I am now a morning person. Never in my life would I have thought this would be the case. I have to say, I very much enjoy the mornings and the feelings that a new day brings. The weather is perfect, it's quiet and there is little to be wasted. You have the whole day ahead of you to make decisions and mistakes and progressions. Some mornings are still rough but I pull through!
The lonely days are still lingering and sometimes poke through no matter how hard I resist them but they're going to happen and it's not something I can change so instead I am learning to live with it as much as I possibly can. It's mostly in the friend department as everyone I know is shacking (or shacked) up or they aren't ready to break from the bars to hangout with a moody pregnant chick. My weekends are very lame and often slightly depressing.
Next week is my baby shower which is really just an excuse for a bunch of estrogen and booze (for those who can partake) to get together and give a fat woman some presents that aren't really for her. My sister is flying in for the festivities which I couldn't be more pleased about. We will also be celebrating the fact that I'm going to be a year older which leads me to the fact that I'm about to be 27 years old in two days.
When I had my life all planned out in my teenage years, this is certainly not what I had on the list by 27. I am wayyyy behind if we're actually counting. I think by now, or even by the age of 24, I had myself married off, owning a home, 2 or 3 kids, dog, white picket fence... Ha! Man, I was delusional. Instead I've got the infinite singledom, I'm renting a shitty little place for way too much money, I'm knocked up with my first kid while dad runs about refusing to take responsibility, no dog, no white picket fence... no car even. It's depressing if you think about it but hey, it's life. Only a handful of people who make these plans actually end up following through and I can't change the past so all I can do is focus on the future, set some realistic goals and be the best damn mommy I can to the little monster I'm about to give life to.
I will make mistakes, guaranteed but not for lack of giving it my all.
By the way, I felt him kick for the first time on August 29th, and about a million times since then. It's pretty amazing.
Til next time....
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