A Family Affair

Well, I can't tell if this particular post is hormone-induced or if I just need to take five from the people I'm supposed to be closest to. Recently, I've been feeling a little bit like an outcast in the family world. A strange feeling really, being as I'm about to start one of my own.

Side note: I'm sitting at Starbucks, waiting for Eric and there is a screaming child about 20 feet from me. I want to pull out my hair. Is this a bad sign? Am I going to be a terrible mother because I want to slap a baby? Hopefully, when it's my own I will have a little more patience. I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be admitting this stuff unless I want child services to be waiting outside of my delivery room.

As I was saying, I feel like when I need my family the most, they aren't there. This is a very general statement because it's not all of them, by any means. Also, please keep in mind that even as a non-pregnant woman, I am super-sensitive, bitter, jaded and just all around kind of angry. (I'm working on this part of me... I do not want to raise a child to be even remotely like it's mother). So that's why I say I can't tell if it's hormones or just me being me but when I see posts on Facebook between two of my cousins talking about them taking a trip together I feel insane with jealousy and a little hurt that I wasn't invited. Now, I have no reason to be jealous because they are young, single and responsible people who deserve (more than most people) to do whatever they want and then some, however, I used to be fairly close with one of these cousins and then she grew up. It's as if I do not exist anymore and if I do it's for 5 minutes a month. I already don't have my real sister here to share this experience with but my pseudo-sister hasn't been a part of it either. I realize now that I overreacted about the vacation posts but I think it could be deep-rooted to just how lonely I feel right now... and maybe I am a little jealous because 4 months ago, I had the same opportunity and didn't take it. It is truly amazing how much your world changes when you pee on a stick and see that little plus sign.

This is not meant to sound like a pity party and if that's what you're getting from it, then oh well. It's my blog :) Go read something happy and sappy!

I don't want to take for granted (or sound like I am) the people who HAVE been there for me because I appreciate them very much. It's just very hard not to have someone to be excited with. I am super stoked to have a little one running around and to start my own family because for so long, I've had to borrow other people's and that just hasn't worked out. I also know that people have their own lives and I don't expect them to drop it all to apease me but SOME contact would be lovely. A text here and there...or a lunch date.. all of that would be better than absolutely nothing at all. It's strange not to have even one person that you are close to or to talk to at the end of a bad day, or even a good day for that matter. I have one who I work with but the only time we see each other is at work and she doesn't appear to have much patience for me either so that's out.

I've also been feeling a little bit down on myself these days... (okay, a lotta bit). I am barely squeezing by right now and it's going to get much harder when the kid shows up but I have faith and I know we will be fine. However, it doesn't change the fact that I feel like a total loser. It's a pretty shitty feeling to always feel like you are putting people out. Mistakes from my past have my family constantly judging me which makes me feel like they're waiting for me to fail. Maybe I'm waiting for me to fail. Who knows.

I just know that my real feelings are bursting at the seams because I suddenly care about what other people think. When did this happen? I'm not that girl...or am I? I want to shout from the rooftops that I am excited to be a mom without feeling the weight of adding "single" before "mom" and without having to see the judgment on people's faces that speaks so loudly, "you are a terribly irresponsible individual who has no right to bring a child into this world."

I will, without a doubt, struggle and it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do but it will be worth it. As far as you haters go, just wait and see...and keep in mind that unless it effects you directly, mind your own business and keep your opinions to yourself. Please and thanks!

As far as the people who have helped me so much already, I love and appreciate you far more than I could ever possibly show you.

Now off I go to a family function. I look forward to seeing the little ones. They seem to still like me!

A place of our own

Today, I signed a lease on a new place for me and the kiddo. I arrived and left with a bittersweet feeling somewhere between excited and sad. I was happy that I'll finally have my own space again but the sadness took over when I realized I'm going to be alone. It wasn't easy for me to find someone BEFORE I got pregnant but it's certainly not going to be a walk in the park finding someone who will love me AND my child. I fear a life of loneliness. I know I will have my little one and I can't wait to share my life with him/her but it's not going to be the same kind of love. I'm talking about the kind of love that I've been looking for my entire life and have completely failed to find. I have to wonder if it's even possible. I guess we'll see. Until then, I look forward to decorating our new digs and putting together the nursery. I DON'T look forward to paying half of my salary in rent and utilities and the other half on daycare and food. I am absolutely terrified as to how I am going to afford this new life that I'm about to have. Being as the father of this child is a terrible, selfish individual I will be doing this alone and I can't afford to be irresponsible anymore. This is real life. I've been waiting for almost 27 years for "real life" to show up and boy did it ever..... with a vengeance.

June has been fast and furious with my emotions but July promises to be a kinder, gentler month with many great things in store. I move into the new place on the 1st, then there's the 4th of July which we will celebrate with a BBQ and friends, doc appt on the 5th for my 2nd tri screening, California with one of my closest friends on the 6th (a much needed stay on the beach!), and on July 25 I get to find out what kind of little monster I'm having!

I'll keep you all posted!

Acceptance

I stopped writing in that last post because I got emotional. That seems to be the theme these days. Emotion emotion emotion! Some days are good, some days are less than stellar but mostly it's just emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat.. or during a commercial with a Lady Gaga song in the background. I get irritated so easily (I know, not much different from my non-pregnant days) that I just wanna scream at a random passer-by. I am 12 weeks today. There haven't been any real issues other than a scare with a bad reaction to some antibiotics.

I don't get typical morning sickness but I feel sick on and off throughout the day. Nothing significant but enough to be an irritant and put a block on any motivation I have for my job. Usually it can be solved by eating something small.

As far as the father goes... At this point, I only have one word. Absent.

My lifestyle has changed significantly and I am back in school now but otherwise, life is pretty simple at the moment.

I am looking forward to the little person brewing inside and I can't wait until he/she is here.

An Unexpected Surprise

2 weeks ago today, I found out that sometime in late November or early December, I will be bringing another life into this World. I can't begin to explain the wave of emotion that came over me. I wasn't sure how to feel. Sad, scared, happy, excited, sick... all feelings that swept over me like a tornado in a trailer park leaving behind a wreckage that can only be cleaned up over time.