Motherhood: Rogue Pee and Unconditional Love

Now that I caught up on the trials and tribulations of the last months of my pregnancy and the woes of bearing a child, I can say with absolute certainty that Motherhood is and will forever be the best thing that has ever happened to me. While I still might be a salty, sarcastic and yes, sometimes bitchy, woman; something changed in me the day that Jackson came into this world. I was exhausted after delivery. I hadn't slept in 24 hours and didn't sleep at all for another 48. I looked like a heroin addict by the time I left the hospital. Truth be told, I haven't slept in almost four months but I will say to the death that it is 100% worth it.

My life has changed so significantly that I can't even put it into words. I am so overjoyed and in love, it is sickening. Many of you have seen the over abundance of photos that I post on Facebook and even those are only a handful of what I actually take (you should see my computer). While being a mom is the greatest joy I've experienced in my 27 1/2 years, it is also the hardest job I've ever had. It is 24 hours a day, non-stop nurturing and loving and caring and laundering and soothing and diaper changing and feeding and worrying and crying and smiling and holding-my-nose-for-poopy-diapers, and picture taking, poking-him-while-he's-asleep-to-make-sure-he's-still-breathing, and dodging rogue pee.... Sounds exhausting, doesn't it? I got winded just typing it out. But there is absolutely not a single other thing in this world that I'd rather be doing. Having him has shown me that love at first sight does exist only not in that fairytale way that you dream up as a prepubescent, acne covered, gangly teenager. It's the love between a mother and her child that puts the faith back in your life and makes you realize that it's not all shit on a shingle but rather kind of a miracle that something so little and full of bodily fluids can make you sit back and appreciate the little things. A couple weeks ago, my son woke up around 4:45am and didn't feel like going back to sleep. Now, this is a baby who's been sleeping through the night since 2 1/2 months.. but not on this particular day. I sighed and let out a very long and very loud...UGHHHH! I looked down at little man and watched his smile go from ear to ear. My frustration immediately turned into happiness and after I was done feeling like the worst person in the world, I, too found myself with an ear to ear smile.

That's the thing, I could be having the WORST day known to man (or at least I will insist dramatically that it is the worst day known to man) and all I have to do is look at that little smiling face and somehow it all seems better. For example, I lost my job in February due to some really shitty circumstances (by the way, Jackson - your mommy has the mouth of a sailor! NO CUSSING FOR YOU! - Do as I say, not as I do!) but while taking care of business, I have had to stay positive and happy for my kid. I'm not saying I have done a super job of this and been 100% but I certainly have tried my best and I think I'm allowed a slip here and there...as long as his well-being is always my first priority, I think I'm ok.

I'll wrap this up but I just want to reiterate how much I LOVE being a mom and how excited I am to walk beside this kid for the rest of our life together. Nothing makes me happier than him and nothing makes me want to try harder at being a better person. It's a pretty cool feeling to have such a strong and unconditional love for someone and to look at them and know that they love you back in the same beautiful way. It may sound cheesy but I don't care. It's the first time in my life that I have been truly happy with at least one piece of my life. If being a good mom is the only thing I do right with my life, I will die a happy woman. We have a ways to go before I will feel like I'm doing everything the right way but for right now, he's got my love and devotion and with that, I think the rest will fall into place.

I hope that I can keep up a little better with this here blog because I would love to be able to document my journey with the little guy who made my life better just by being here. :)

He will be 4 months old in 10 days. I can't believe it!

Broken Lady Parts and a baby is born!

I'm no good at this blogging thing. I have honestly been meaning to update this thing for sometime, mainly for my own personal use later on in life but also to share with those who love to take a glimpse into other people's worlds. Social networking is more addicting than cigarettes, dontcha know? Please let me tell you what I'm doing every second of everyday. "Leeanna Marsh just ate a sandwich." "Leeanna Marsh just changed a poopy diaper." "Leeanna Marsh is awake." But seriously... The original purpose of this blog was so that years later I could look back and show Jackson how neurotic his mommy has ALWAYS been and to give him a little bit of an idea of what I was thinking "way back when..."

So - to sum up the rest of my pregnancy since I stopped at 6 1/2 months.... Up until month 8 it was pretty standard. Then came the separated pubic symphasis (on 10/26/11) that put me on bed rest for the duration of my pregnancy. What is separated pubic symphasis, you ask? I always referred to it as my "broken vagina" but really, my pubic bone had a 1cm separation and was completely unaligned. It was, to say the least, a complete shit show. I could barely walk, sometimes not at all, sleeping became a task and the pain was unbearable. It got to the point where I had to BEG the doc to induce. He agreed and set my induction for Tuesday, 12/13/11 at 8pm. Two days before that, I was admitted to the hospital for what I thought was natural labor but it ended up being a kidney stone (woo-fricken-hoo!)

On 12/13/11 at 8:00PM I reported to Lutheran Hospital's new and beautiful labor and delivery unit. Mixed emotions flooded over me but mostly I just wanted to be relieved of the pain and discomfort and I so badly wanted to meet my son. I had a room full of very supportive, anxious and dramatic family; including my Mother, Grandmother, Stacey, Tracey, Stephanie, Stephen, Jennah, and Marissa. While it was mostly OK, there was a bit of drama but it was kept away from me and when things got too tough for the taking, the nurses booted the culprits from the room. About a 1/2 hour later, the contractions began. (skip ahead to "go time") At this point, my full house was a little bit different and my coaching staff consisted of my Mom, Stacey, Tracey, and Kimmy. Jennah, Grandma and Joy watched from the wings. I pushed for about an hour or so and finally the moment I had been waiting 10 months for, was here. I welcomed my beautiful 8lb5oz20inch son, Jackson Harlan Kent, into the world on Wednesday, December 14, 2012 at 4:51pm. My world will never be the same.

27 weeks and 27 years

6 1/2 months (27 weeks) of pregnancy. I. feel. like. a. cow.

So far this month I've had to switch my OB and hospital, gotten another infection, and dealt with a gas leak in my home. Though I have still had it pretty easy, I stress out over stressing out. I'm kind of in that stagnant mode where I just want my little man to be here but at the same time I am scared to death of the Mother I'm going to be.

Last weekend, one of my best friends married the love of her life. They chose a Vegas wedding and while I'm extremely happy for them, being in Vegas was a real eye opener for the life I have ahead of me. The casinos reeked of smoke and stale booze and the sound of the machines was maddening. That combined with the overwhelming population of wanna-be Jersey Shore cast members and foreign tourists was enough to make it almost intolerable for this big fat prego. The pay-off however, was standing at the alter watching two people who love each other unconditionally give their lives to one another with an innocence and sincerity that real life so often lacks. That and watching Kimmy walk down that aisle looking like a modern day princess brought tears to my eyes. It's refreshing to know that a love like that exists and so close to home.

When I wasn't trying to swim through a sea of gambling, fumbling chodes I had a lot of time to reflect on the changes that have already shaped the last six, very sober, months of my life. I am now a morning person. Never in my life would I have thought this would be the case. I have to say, I very much enjoy the mornings and the feelings that a new day brings. The weather is perfect, it's quiet and there is little to be wasted. You have the whole day ahead of you to make decisions and mistakes and progressions. Some mornings are still rough but I pull through!

The lonely days are still lingering and sometimes poke through no matter how hard I resist them but they're going to happen and it's not something I can change so instead I am learning to live with it as much as I possibly can. It's mostly in the friend department as everyone I know is shacking (or shacked) up or they aren't ready to break from the bars to hangout with a moody pregnant chick. My weekends are very lame and often slightly depressing.

Next week is my baby shower which is really just an excuse for a bunch of estrogen and booze (for those who can partake) to get together and give a fat woman some presents that aren't really for her. My sister is flying in for the festivities which I couldn't be more pleased about. We will also be celebrating the fact that I'm going to be a year older which leads me to the fact that I'm about to be 27 years old in two days.

When I had my life all planned out in my teenage years, this is certainly not what I had on the list by 27. I am wayyyy behind if we're actually counting. I think by now, or even by the age of 24, I had myself married off, owning a home, 2 or 3 kids, dog, white picket fence... Ha! Man, I was delusional. Instead I've got the infinite singledom, I'm renting a shitty little place for way too much money, I'm knocked up with my first kid while dad runs about refusing to take responsibility, no dog, no white picket fence... no car even. It's depressing if you think about it but hey, it's life. Only a handful of people who make these plans actually end up following through and I can't change the past so all I can do is focus on the future, set some realistic goals and be the best damn mommy I can to the little monster I'm about to give life to.

I will make mistakes, guaranteed but not for lack of giving it my all.

By the way, I felt him kick for the first time on August 29th, and about a million times since then. It's pretty amazing.

Til next time....

Grilled Cheese Sandwiches

So, after evaluating my last post I can go ahead and sum it up to being EXTREMELY hormonal and emotional.

Truthfully, my family has been the only constant in this whole situation, along with a few close friends. It's at this point that I will ask everyone for their patience and understanding while I completely melt down and enter the dark side of pregnancy and cry over things like dropping a grilled cheese sandwich on the ground or about my laundry not being dry enough. Yes, I have done both of those.

I have to wonder if pregnancy is like this for all women or if I'm in that special group of soon-to-be single mothers who feel so overwhelmed by the idea that the whole world seems to be crashing in with every passing moment. The littlest things will set me off...it's actually quite embarrassing.

I have many moments of sadness knowing that my baby is going to grow up without a father. I know how much growing up without one affected me and it pains me to no end to know that my son will suffer the same fate. Granted, he will be better off without certain influences but I'm regretful in knowing that my choices have and will effect him for the rest of his life. Having a baby always played out so differently in my head but life happens when you're busy making other plans, right? Yeah, so I've heard.

In other news, I can't get enough chocolate cake (which I am normally not a fan of) and being around certain people at my office makes me want to kick a puppy. I am halfway through my pregnancy and oh..it's a boy! Baby Jackson will be here around Christmas time.

I have finished my baby registry and not to be a shameless self-promoter but if anyone would like to help out a prego, I would certainly not turn away the generosity of the good-hearted people :) (yeah, I am a schmooze). Me and the kid appreciate any and all support, even if it's just a hug or some sort of desserty goodness! If for some reason you are feeling charitable you can see some sweet baby gear at www.myregistry.com. Look under my name.

Ladies & Gays, look for your baby shower invites in the next week or 2. The actual date will be September 17th or 18th and the invites will be coming from my Sis in Minnesota.

I hope everyone is well. Until next time....

A Family Affair

Well, I can't tell if this particular post is hormone-induced or if I just need to take five from the people I'm supposed to be closest to. Recently, I've been feeling a little bit like an outcast in the family world. A strange feeling really, being as I'm about to start one of my own.

Side note: I'm sitting at Starbucks, waiting for Eric and there is a screaming child about 20 feet from me. I want to pull out my hair. Is this a bad sign? Am I going to be a terrible mother because I want to slap a baby? Hopefully, when it's my own I will have a little more patience. I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be admitting this stuff unless I want child services to be waiting outside of my delivery room.

As I was saying, I feel like when I need my family the most, they aren't there. This is a very general statement because it's not all of them, by any means. Also, please keep in mind that even as a non-pregnant woman, I am super-sensitive, bitter, jaded and just all around kind of angry. (I'm working on this part of me... I do not want to raise a child to be even remotely like it's mother). So that's why I say I can't tell if it's hormones or just me being me but when I see posts on Facebook between two of my cousins talking about them taking a trip together I feel insane with jealousy and a little hurt that I wasn't invited. Now, I have no reason to be jealous because they are young, single and responsible people who deserve (more than most people) to do whatever they want and then some, however, I used to be fairly close with one of these cousins and then she grew up. It's as if I do not exist anymore and if I do it's for 5 minutes a month. I already don't have my real sister here to share this experience with but my pseudo-sister hasn't been a part of it either. I realize now that I overreacted about the vacation posts but I think it could be deep-rooted to just how lonely I feel right now... and maybe I am a little jealous because 4 months ago, I had the same opportunity and didn't take it. It is truly amazing how much your world changes when you pee on a stick and see that little plus sign.

This is not meant to sound like a pity party and if that's what you're getting from it, then oh well. It's my blog :) Go read something happy and sappy!

I don't want to take for granted (or sound like I am) the people who HAVE been there for me because I appreciate them very much. It's just very hard not to have someone to be excited with. I am super stoked to have a little one running around and to start my own family because for so long, I've had to borrow other people's and that just hasn't worked out. I also know that people have their own lives and I don't expect them to drop it all to apease me but SOME contact would be lovely. A text here and there...or a lunch date.. all of that would be better than absolutely nothing at all. It's strange not to have even one person that you are close to or to talk to at the end of a bad day, or even a good day for that matter. I have one who I work with but the only time we see each other is at work and she doesn't appear to have much patience for me either so that's out.

I've also been feeling a little bit down on myself these days... (okay, a lotta bit). I am barely squeezing by right now and it's going to get much harder when the kid shows up but I have faith and I know we will be fine. However, it doesn't change the fact that I feel like a total loser. It's a pretty shitty feeling to always feel like you are putting people out. Mistakes from my past have my family constantly judging me which makes me feel like they're waiting for me to fail. Maybe I'm waiting for me to fail. Who knows.

I just know that my real feelings are bursting at the seams because I suddenly care about what other people think. When did this happen? I'm not that girl...or am I? I want to shout from the rooftops that I am excited to be a mom without feeling the weight of adding "single" before "mom" and without having to see the judgment on people's faces that speaks so loudly, "you are a terribly irresponsible individual who has no right to bring a child into this world."

I will, without a doubt, struggle and it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do but it will be worth it. As far as you haters go, just wait and see...and keep in mind that unless it effects you directly, mind your own business and keep your opinions to yourself. Please and thanks!

As far as the people who have helped me so much already, I love and appreciate you far more than I could ever possibly show you.

Now off I go to a family function. I look forward to seeing the little ones. They seem to still like me!

A place of our own

Today, I signed a lease on a new place for me and the kiddo. I arrived and left with a bittersweet feeling somewhere between excited and sad. I was happy that I'll finally have my own space again but the sadness took over when I realized I'm going to be alone. It wasn't easy for me to find someone BEFORE I got pregnant but it's certainly not going to be a walk in the park finding someone who will love me AND my child. I fear a life of loneliness. I know I will have my little one and I can't wait to share my life with him/her but it's not going to be the same kind of love. I'm talking about the kind of love that I've been looking for my entire life and have completely failed to find. I have to wonder if it's even possible. I guess we'll see. Until then, I look forward to decorating our new digs and putting together the nursery. I DON'T look forward to paying half of my salary in rent and utilities and the other half on daycare and food. I am absolutely terrified as to how I am going to afford this new life that I'm about to have. Being as the father of this child is a terrible, selfish individual I will be doing this alone and I can't afford to be irresponsible anymore. This is real life. I've been waiting for almost 27 years for "real life" to show up and boy did it ever..... with a vengeance.

June has been fast and furious with my emotions but July promises to be a kinder, gentler month with many great things in store. I move into the new place on the 1st, then there's the 4th of July which we will celebrate with a BBQ and friends, doc appt on the 5th for my 2nd tri screening, California with one of my closest friends on the 6th (a much needed stay on the beach!), and on July 25 I get to find out what kind of little monster I'm having!

I'll keep you all posted!

Acceptance

I stopped writing in that last post because I got emotional. That seems to be the theme these days. Emotion emotion emotion! Some days are good, some days are less than stellar but mostly it's just emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat.. or during a commercial with a Lady Gaga song in the background. I get irritated so easily (I know, not much different from my non-pregnant days) that I just wanna scream at a random passer-by. I am 12 weeks today. There haven't been any real issues other than a scare with a bad reaction to some antibiotics.

I don't get typical morning sickness but I feel sick on and off throughout the day. Nothing significant but enough to be an irritant and put a block on any motivation I have for my job. Usually it can be solved by eating something small.

As far as the father goes... At this point, I only have one word. Absent.

My lifestyle has changed significantly and I am back in school now but otherwise, life is pretty simple at the moment.

I am looking forward to the little person brewing inside and I can't wait until he/she is here.